Know Your Stars Bleach Style
by cryozenthia
Summary: Time to torture the Bleach characters. Rated T for Language and content. Warning: Extreme hilarity ahead. Read at your own risk. UPDATE: Isane
1. Ichigo Kurosaki is a cheerleading perv

Know your stars – Bleach Style!

**Summary: Time to torture the Bleach characters! Warning: Severe randomness and severe OOC'ness ahead.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, but I can torture them XD**

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Ichigo Kurosaki

_"Know your stars, stars, stars…"_

"Who's there?!"

_"Ichigo Kurosaki…he picks his nose"_

"I do not! That's gross!"

_"Suuuure you don't."_

"I don't!"

_"Ichigo Kurosaki…he likes cheerleading."_

"WHAT?! That's not true!"

_"Then how do you explain this? (pulls out picture of Ichigo cheerleading)"_

"That's just a picture of some cheerleader guy with my head pasted on."

_"Are you sure about that?"_

"There's a white border from where you cropped my head from another photo."

_"Or so it seems."_

"Whatever."

"Ichigo Kurosaki…he's got a fetish for stuffed animals"

Kon: "You WHAT!? Sicko!!"

"That's not true!!"

_"Ichigo Kurosaki…he has pictures of naked women under his bed."_

"I'm not listening to you anymore!"

_"…especially pictures of Rukia."_

Suddenly, Byakuya pops out of the shadows. "ICHIGO!!"

"She's making it up!!"

_"I thought you weren't listening anymore…"_

"Shut up!"

Byakuya pulls outs his zanpakuto. "You've insulted my sister's honor…now I will kill you!"

"I told you, it's not true!"

"Chire! Senbonzakura!"

"AAAAAH!!!"

So Byakuya beats up Ichigo for awhile.

_"Now you know Ichigo Kurosaki!"_

"NO! They don't know ANYTHING about me!!!"

* * *

**Mwuahahaha…Rukia's up next and Byakuya's on deck. **


	2. Rukia the dumdum

**Wow, this one ended up a lot longer than the last one...**

**Anyway, I don't own Bleach, yada yada yada, let's get on with the hilarity.**

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Rukia Kuchiki

_"Know your stars, stars, stars…"_

(looking around) "Who said that?"

_"Rukia Kuchiki…she's a lesbian."_

"What's that?"

_"What? You seriously don't know? It means you like women."_

"How so?"

_"Uhh, it means you like kissing women."_

"Ewww, I'm definitely not a lesbian."

_"Finally...she gets it. Now where was I? Oh yeah. Then why do you stay in the closet?"_

"Because I have nowhere else to sleep."

_Sure you don't. You're just saying that._

"I am not!"

_Whatever lesbo. Rukia Kuchiki…she likes to eat bon bons all day._

"What are those?"

_"uuh they're little candies."_

"Are they good?"

_"How should I know? I've never had one."_

"Well why not?"

_"Ok, I'm asking the questions here, not you."_

"But you're not asking any questions."

(slaps forehead) _"...moving on…Rukia Kuchiki…she's gonna get fat if she eats all those bon bons"_

"But I don't eat bon bons…and I'm not fat!"

_"Yes you are."_

"You're so mean!"

_"Ehehe. Rukia Kuchiki…she's putting the moves on Kon."_

"What do you mean by 'putting the moves on?'"

_"You've got to be kidding me. It means you're hitting on him!"_

(still doesn't get it") "..."

_"Ugh, it means you're flirting with him…"_

"Is that like teasing?"

_"Sure, whatever."_

"Well, then I guess that's true."

_"So you admit it!"_

"Yeah, I do tease Kon!"

_"Geez Rukia, you're such a pervert."_

"Pervert? What does that have to do with teasing?"

_"Nothing."_

"Then why did you say that?"

_"Because you're stupid. That's why."_

(gets teary-eyed)

_"Oh come on! You're not really gonna cry, are you?"_

(sniff) "maybe."

_"You wuss."_

Suddenly, Byakuya bursts in through a door that magically appeared. "How dare you insult my sister! I'll kill you!"

_"How can you kill me? You can't find me."_

"……."

_"Ha, I win."_

"I will kill you someday!"

_"Yeah, yeah, keep dreaming"_

Byakuya droops his head as he walks away._  
_

"Um...Can I go now?"

_"No you may not. I'm not finished with you yet."_

"Why?"

_"Because I said so."_

"Why?"

_"I said so!"_

"Why?"

_"Agh! Just listen to me! I. Said. So."_

"Why?"

_"AAAAAGH!!! You're so stupid! You don't get it!!"_

"Why?"

_"AAAAAAAAH!" (runs away)_

"Well, if you're done, I'm gonna go home." (Walks off)

* * *

**Ok, Byakuya's next and then it's Uryuu. **


	3. Byakuya: Secret Stripper Extraordinaire

**For those of you following along, thanks for all the reviews. You've not only given me the will to continue, but also have given me some great ideas as well. Really appreciate it. Enjoy!**

I do not own Bleach, get it? I wish I did though, things would be so different.

Mwahaha…torture time :D

Byakuya Kuchiki

"_Know your stars, stars, stars…"_

"Who's there!? Show yourself!"

"_Byakuya Kuchiki…he's a world renown male stripper."_

"That is incorrect."

"…_at a gay bar."_

"How dare you. Do you have any idea who you're talking to? I am the head of the Kuchiki Clan."

"_My, my, touchy aren't we? Like I care. Byakuya Kuchiki…when he was little, he was considered the dumbest kid in class."_

"What are you talking about? I was considered an academic genius. You have no ground in saying I was dumb."

"_Sure you were a genius…a genius in the field of stupidity."_

"How can you be a genius in stupidity? Your words make you sense."

"You_ make you no sense. Anyway, Byakuya Kuchiki…he likes to play with dolls."_

"(is playing with dinosaurs, then quickly hides it) Dolls are for children."

"_Mm-hm…riiiiight. Byakuya Kuchiki…when he was little, he wanted to be a fairy princess."_

"That's gay."

"_You're gay."_

"I'm married."

"_Your wife's dead. I wouldn't be surprised if you killed her so you could be with you gay lover."_

"(twitching) How dare you! I loved Hisana! I would never have killed her! (starts emitting angry reiastu) Now show yourself so that I may kill you!"

"_Ooh, I'm sooooo scared. Why should I show myself to you…I stay hidden so I don't get hurt."_

"Coward."

"_Takes one to know one. Byakuya Kuchiki…he wears lasagna on his head."_

"It's not 'lasagna', it's a head ornament called a kenseikan. It's worn by the head of the Kuchiki household."

"_Sure, sure, whatever. Byakuya Kuchiki…he has cancer."_

"I'm starting to get irritated."

"_Uuuh, that's the point retard. Byakuya Kuchiki…he's a stupid momma's boy._

"(twitching) If you don't shut up, I'm going to sic the angry fangirls on you."

"_What angry fangirls? (suddenly gets bombarded by a horde of angry women) AAAH!"_

"Hmph, and that's what happens when you piss me off."

"_(running for my life) seeya next time! Uryuu's up next!"_


	4. Renji and his cameras

**Hey Everybody! I couldn't decide what to do to Uryuu, so I decided to do Renji instead. Hope you like!**

(Pitches up sign) "I do not own Bleach!"

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Renji Abarai

"_Know your stars, stars, stars…"_

"(Empty chair)"

"_Uuuh, where's Uryuu?" _

Random producer: "We can't find him anywhere. What do you want us to do?"

"_What!? You can't find him!? Well, go find me a replacement! I have to torture somebody!!"_

Random producer: "Yes ma'am!"

(Two hours later…)

(Renji sits in the chair) "Where the hell am I?"

"_Know your stars, stars, stars…"_

"Who's there!?"

"_Renji Abarai...all those tattoos he has…they're just stick-ons."_

"Hey, don't make fun of my tattoos! I worked hard to get those!"

"_Yeah, and I'm the Queen of France." _

"Really?"

"…_sssssaaaarcaaaassmmmm. Geez. Renji Abarai…when he was a kid, he wanted a pony."_

"So? Who didn't?"

"_Uh, anyone who wasn't an 8 year old girl."_

"You makin' fun of me?"

"_Duh! Geez you're almost as dumb as Rukia. Anyway, Renji Abarai…when he's alone at night, he steals clothes from Rangiku and cross-dresses."_

Rangiku: "So _that's_ where my kimonos were disappearing to."

"W-who told you that?"

"_I put cameras in your apartment."_

"Stalker…"

"_You call me a stalker? Someone told me that you put spy cameras in the Kuchiki manor and watch Rukia do everything…and I mean eeeverything."_

Byakuya: "RENJI!!!"

Rukia: "Renji! You creep!"

(Both proceed to beat up Renji)

(Ten minutes later)

"(beaten and bloody)………"

"_Ha, I win."_

"Just get this over with. So I can go home and check my spy cam-I mean, drink some sake…yeah, sake. (Shifty eyes)"

"_Creepy. (Shakes head) Renji Abarai…his has perverted fantasies about-" _

"You better not say Rukia!"

"_Ichigo's sister, Yuzu."_

Ichigo: "RENJI!!!!! You son of a bitch! (Beats up Renji)"

(Ten more minutes later)

"That's IT! I've had it! Howl, Zabimaru!! (Punches hole in wall) I'm getting outta here! (Runs away)"

"……_And now you know Renji Abarai! Seeya next week, when I go back to torture Ichigo!"_

Ichigo: "You're gonna do what now!?"

"_Just kidding…or am I? (Shifty eyes) Somebody fix that wall!"_

* * *

_  
_


	5. Momo Hinamori is an obsessive nut

Know your stars – Bleach Style!

**Man, I really shouldn't be working on this...I need to get some homework done, but I'm lazy and I procrastinate :P Still didn't want to work on one for Uryuu, so I'm going with Momo. Hope you like it! **

**Disclaimer: And so the torture continues…I don't own Bleach, but I wish I did.**

Momo Hinamori

(Still can't find Uryuu) "_Well, darn, this just throws everything out of whack…Alright, bring in the next replacement."_

(Random executives bring in a dazed and tied up Momo and put her in the chair.)

(looking around) "Where am I?"

"_Know your stars, stars, stars…"_

"Who said that!?"

"_Momo Hinamori…she's a bed-wetter."_

(gasp) "Who told you that? Was it Toshiro?"

"_No, I just know these things."_

"Oh, OK."

"_Uuh, you're not going to deny it?"_

"Nope."

"_OOOK…anyway, Momo Hinamori…she's in love the Hitsugaya."_

(blushing) "N-no I'm not…"

"_Sure you're not. But wait, if you're in love with Hitsugaya that would make you a pedophile." _

"B-but, I'm not! Toshiro's my best friend!"

"_Ewww, you like little boys!"_

(Hitsugaya pops out of nowhere.) Toshiro: "I'm NOT a little boy!!"

"_HEY!! I'm picking on Momo right now! Wait your turn!!!"_

Toshiro: (sulks away)

"_Eh, where was I? Oh, that's right. Momo Hinamori…she likes to disco dance in her room."_

"Um, what's disco dancing?"

"_Oh, gawd, not this again. (sighs) I'm not even getting into this. Momo Hinamori…late at night, when no one's looking, she brutally murders innocent little kitties."_

"WHAT?! NO I DON'T!! I LOVE LITTLE KITTIES!!!"

"_With a broken lawn chair!"_

"WAAAH!!!" (starts crying)

(Toshiro pops out with his sword) Toshiro: "How dare you make Momo cry!!! If you're gonna insult anyone, insult me!"

"_HEY! I SAID, 'WAIT YOUR TURN!!!'" _

Toshiro: "But-but-"

"_I MEAN IT!!!"_

Toshiro: (sulks away again.)

"_Geez… (Sigh)Momo Hinamori…she likes to burn down orphanages."_

"That's so mean! Why are you telling lies like that?"

"_Who said they were lies? For all I know, you really do murder cats and burn orphanages." _

"But, that's not true!"

"_Sure it isn't. Momo Hinamori…she's got a booger hanging out of her nose."_

"I DO?! (pulls out mirror) Where?"

"_Haha, made you look."_

"Meanie…"

"_Hey, that's my job." _

"Do you get paid to do it?"

"_Well, of-wait…DO I get paid?" _

Executives: "According to your contract, you don't!"

"_Why not?"_

Execs: "This story doesn't pay people like you! All the proceeds go to the Funnel Cake Association."

"_The what? Why the hell would I sign up for that?" _

Execs: "Because we forged your signature!" (Smiles dopily)

"_Oh yeah…"_

"Umm, excuse me."

"_Yeah, what do you want?"_

"Am I done here?"

"_NO! I'm not finished with you yet!"_

"But if you don't get paid, what's the point in continuing?"

"_Because I enjoy torturing you…"_

"You really are a meanie"

"_Yeah, whatever…anyway, Momo Hinamori…she's obsessed with Aizen."_

"Aizen!?! Where!? (looks around) WHERE IS HE?!!!!"

"_Um, are you really obsessed with him?"_

"(stroking Aizen plushie) Uh, no! (quickly hides plushie) That would be silly! "

"_OK, officially creeped out. Um, what you do if I told you he was sitting in that corner?"_

"WHERE?!! (Runs off) AIZEN-TAICHOU!!!!!"

Toshiro: "MOMO!! WAAAIIIIT!!!!" (Chases after her)

_(blinking)" OK, that was odd. Anyway, tune in next week, when hopefully, we have Uryuu on. Till next time!"_

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Infomercial: Every ten seconds…a funnel cake goes uneaten…Please. Stop wasting precious batter. Eat your funnel cakes, or at least if you're not going to eat it, give it to someone who will.

Brought to you by the Funnel Cake Association of America.


	6. Uryuu is a FREAK

**YAY! I'm finally getting to Uryuu! After weeks of delay, I'm actually gonna torture him now! Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own bleach, got it? Good. Now we can start the torture.**

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Uryuu Ishida 

Random Exec: "We did it!!! We found Uryuu!!"

_(gasp!) "You did?! Quick! Get him in here!"_

(random execs throw Uryuu into the chair, tied up in chains)

"_Know your stars, stars, stars…"_

"_Uryuu Ishida…his favorite movie is 'White Chicks.'"_

"Actually, I only went to that movie because Kurosaki dragged me there."

"_You mean Ichigo liked it?"_

"Well, yeah. He couldn't stop talking about it for a week."

_-note to self: use this to torture Ichigo later- "OOOK. Uryuu Ishida…he has the worlds largest Barbie collection."_

"Barbie's are for 8 year olds. Seriously, don't you have anything better to do?"

"_Not really…Uryuu Ishida…when he was born, his dad didn't want a girl, so he made the doctors turn him into a boy."_

"That's not true…is it?"

(Ryuken pops out of the shadows) "Ryuken: Actually son, it is…you…were born a girl. I made them give you a sex change operation shortly after you were born."

"WHAT?! Well, actually that would explain a lot…"

"……_Eww…too much info. (shudders)" _

"Well, you're the one who said it."

"_Yeah, well that was just for torture purposes…I didn't actually think it was true." _

"Well, I guess it is."

"_Ugh, never mind. (shakes head) Uryuu Ishida…he loves Oprah."_

"I do! Last year, I donated $1200 to the Make-A-Wish-Foundation!"

"_But, you don't even have that much money."_

"Well, I did give up a lot of blood…"

"_You scare me. A lot." _

"Why thank you."

"_That wasn't a compliment……Uryuu Ishida…he's gay for Ichigo."_

Ichigo: "Dude! Not cool!"

"I am not…I like Renji much more."

Renji: ( °Д°) "…"

Ichigo: ( °Д°) "…"

Me: ( °Д°) "…"

"What?"

"_Oh, my gawd…you are MESSED UP!!" _

Well, despite me being a man, I AM technically a woman…

_(shudders)"…moving on. Uryuu Ishida…he sews because he want's to become a men's fashion designer."_

"It's been my life-long dream!"

"_Are you serious?!"_

"Well…"

"_No, don't answer that."_

"…"

"…"

"Are you done?"

"_No. I'm just thinking of ways to insult you…"_

"Well, that won't work. I'm insult-proof."

"_I beginning to see that…isn't there anything I can say that will piss you off? "_

"Nope."

"_Ummm…"_

"Not gonna work…"

"_AHA! I've got it! Uryuu Ishida…his mother was a donkey!! (grins like an idiot)"_

"…" (crickets sound in the background)

"_What"_

"You call that an insult? That sounds like something a 4-year old would come up with."

"_Hey, don't be mean. I'm doing my best here since someone doesn't is torture-proof." _

"So can I go?"

"_Yeah, I suppose…but wait! Who would you suggest I do next?" _

(thinks for a moment) "Urahara…"

"_Seriously?" _

"Yup. "

"_Ok then! Stay tuned for when I torture Urahara! Then after that, I'll go back and torture Ichigo!"_

Ichigo: "Why do you keep picking on me?! "

"_Cause it's easy…and you like the movie White Chicks! Therefore, you deserve it."_

"…"

"Seeya next week!"

* * *

**Ha, that was bad...I know Urahara's almost worse than Uryuu, but I have something great in store for him. Thanks for reading!!**


	7. Urahara has no self esteem

**Gosh…midterms are next week…hard to believe the semester's flying by like it is. But I have set aside time in my ultra busy life to torture Urahara! It's pretty late, so I don't know how this is gonna turn out…stay with me, people!**

**Disclaimer: Let me make this loud and clear…I. Don't. Own. Bleach.**

* * *

Kisuke Urahara

_(comes in to find Urahara sitting in the chair!) "Ah, I see my producers have captured you."_

"No, I came in here of my own free will."

"_Yeah sure…I can really believe that one…and why would you willingly come to get tortured?"_

"To test my latest invention. (pulls out weird looking machine) I call it the: Insult Converter! It'll turn all those insults into compliments that'll feed my already inflated ego."

_Um…right. Know your stars, stars, stars…Kisuke Urahara…when he was born, not even his mother wanted him…"_

_Converted insult: "He is the smartest most wonderful person ever!"_

"Ah…that's what I like to hear."

"_Uh…OK…Kisuke Urahara…he wears women's underwear…"_

_Converted insult: "He is so handsome and awesome!"_

"Ah, I know I'm awesome."

"_What…I didn't call you awesome! That does it…Kisuke Urahara…Dr Phil couldn't even help him…"_

_Converted insult: "His brains and good looks are SOOOO amazing!"_

"Oh, why thank you! I AM amazing."

"_What the hell's wrong with you?! I'm insulting you and you keep thinking I'm complimenting you. WHY?!"_

Producer: "Uhh, I think it's because of that machine he has…"

"_Eh? You mean that hunk of junk actually DOES convert my insults into compliments? Well, that sucks…ICHIGO!"_

(peeks from around the corner) Ichigo: "Yes?"

"_Get rid of that machine, will ya?"_

Ichigo: "And why should I do that?"

"_I'm going to make Urahara cry."_

Ichigo: "You can't do that. I've tried already, the guy's unbreakable."

"_Wanna bet? If you get rid of that machine, I'll make Urahara cry for you…"_

Ichigo: (lifts eyebrow)

"_I'll throw in $5"_

Ichigo: "DONE!!" (runs up and stomps on the Insult Converter till it's in tiny pieces)

"Now that was just uncalled for…"

Ichigo: "Sorry, but seeing you cry AND $5 was too much to pass up. (looks up at camera) Do continue."

"_Thanks Ichigo! Now where was I? Oh yeah. Kisuke Urahara…he used to wet his bed until he was 18." _

Yoruichi: "Haha, I remember that…"

"Hey…it was a serious problem, OK?"

"_Ew. Too much info. Kisuke Urahara…every night, he cries himself to sleep, cause no one loves him."_

"N-no I don't!"

Yoruichi: "Yes you do! I even video taped it. I have the tape right here. (holds up tape).

Suddenly, Ichigo runs from out of nowhere and snatches it.

Ichigo: "I'm gonna put this on youtube!!"

"ICHIGO!! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!"

"_My, my, my, aren't we touchy?"_

"Hey, I have a reputation to uphold! Gorgeous women watch youtube! And if they see me crying at night, I'll never get a girlfriend!!"

Yoruichi: "(mumbling) As if you'd get a girlfriend now…"

"What was that?!"

Yoruichi: "Nothing!"

"_Mm hm…Kisuke Urahara…his favorite past-time growing up was playing house…"_

"There's nothing wrong with 'house!'"

"…_as the mommy!"_

"So what? (looks hurt) I had a very maternal instinct as a child! Yoruichi told you, didn't she?!"

"_No. You did, just now."_

"(tearing up) You're hurting my feelings."

"_Wow. I didn't think THAT was possible."_

"Well it is…I'm very sensitive!"

"_Are you mad because I had Ichigo smash your machine?"_

"(sniffs) Kind of…"

"_Is your self-esteem so low, that you need a machine to turn insults into praise?"_

(nods head)

"_Wow, this is easier than I thought…HEY EVERYONE…LET'S ALL LAUGH AT KISUKE CAUSE HE HAS NO SELF ESTEEM!!!!"_

"NOOOOOO!!! I can't go back to that!! I WON'T go back to that!!! You're all so mean to me!!!! (runs away crying)"

"………_Wow, that was satisfying…Alright, stay tuned for when I have Toshi on!"_

Toshiro: "You better not be referring to me…(starts gripping Hyouinmaru)"

"_Oops, gotta go! Seeya next time!!!"_


	8. Shirochan whines a lot

**WOOT!! Midterms are** **OVER and luckily, only one or two of my classes actually had a midterm exam. Now all I have to worry about is finals…anyway, I think it's time for some more torture and Toshi's my next victim so be prepared!**

**Disclaimer: Bleach is not mine. It belongs to Tite Kubo. Any flames recieved shall be used to burn down the houses of my enemies :D**

* * *

Toshiro (Shiro-chan) Hitsugaya 

(Toshiro sits in the chair, looking dazed)

"_Know your stars, stars, stars…"_

"(gasp) Who said that?!" (looks around)

"_Toshiro Hitsugaya…he wears ladies underwear."_

"I do not! That's a ridiculous thing to say! And that's Hitsugaya-taichou to you!"

"_Pff! Puh-lease. You're just a little kid."_

"I am NOT a little kid!! (throws chair in angry fit) I am the captain of Squad 10 and I demand respect!!"

"_OK, OK…geez, don't freak out…Toshiro Hitsugaya…"_

"Hitsugaya-taichou!"

"_Whatever…he has a stuffed teddy bear name Bobo." _

"(gasp) W-who told you about Bobo?"

"_I'm your worst nightmare…I know these things naturally."_

"…"

"_Toshiro Hitsugaya…"_

"Hitsugaya-_taichou!!_"

"_Whatever! He likes to sing 'Hakuna Matata' in the shower." _

"Hakuna Ma-what?! Isn't that a kids song?"

"_Yeah, but you are a kid."_

"I told you, I'm not a kid!! I'm the captain of the 10th Squad!! (throws fit)"

"_OK, geez, settle down. Hitsugaya-taichou…"_

"That's more like it…"

"_He's not a kid…"_

"That's right…"

"…_he's a baby!"_

"WHAT?!?! I'M AM NOT A BABY!!!!"

"_I think I'll call you 'Shiro-chan' from now on."_

"HOW DARE YOU!!"

"_Shiro-chan…"_

(grits teeth)

"_He used to cry for his mommy at night, cause he wanted his Bobo…"_

"(starts glowing) I am going to kill you…"

"_Ha. I'd like to see you try."_

"That's IT! Souten ni Zase! Hyourinmaru!"

"_??? (hears loud crashing sound)"_

"Damn, I missed…"

"_(sees large hole in wall) Was that REALLY necessary?"_

"I am tired of you disrespecting me!!"

"_Wow, for someone who demands so much respect, you sure have a short temper."_

"I do not have a short temper! I just no patience for people who irritate me!"

Momo: "But Shiro-chan, you yell at me all the time! Does that mean that I annoy you too? (looks hurt)"

"Eh? Momo! It's not like that! I-I can explain-"

Momo: "I do, don't I?! You're so mean, Shiro-chan! (runs away crying)"

"WAIIT!!! MOMO!!!"

"_Smooth…"_

"You shut up! This is all YOUR fault!!"

"_My fault? I'm not the one who's kicking and screaming every time someone insults him or calls him a kid." _

"I am NOT kicking and screaming!! (throws chair) I'M NOT, I'M NOT, I'M NOT!!!!"

"_Uh, yes…yes you are."_

"You're a meanie!!"

And so, Toshiro sits in the corner crying for the next hour.

"_And now, you know Shiro-chan!"_

"No, they don't know me at all!!"

* * *

**Whew...this is a much shorter chapter then I had originally planned for it to be :P Sorry if it's not that funny, but I've been swamped this past week.**


	9. Izuru the fangirl molester

**Wow, has it really been that long since I last posted something? ...darn writers block. Anyway, sorry for the late post, I've been super crazy busy, plus not to mention my brother invited, like, 10 of his international student friends over for Thanksgiving, and they're staying for, like, 5 days. But, I have taken time from my busy life to bring you an update, so enjoy!**

ATTN: Readers of "When You Come Back to Me Again."

I am temporarily taking the story down. I feel that I can no longer continue with the storyline the way it's going. So I have removed it and plan to start over. The new version will have the same story name, and it will be up sometime before the end of the month. I'm sorry if you were reading it and were waiting for updates. I'll try to do better with the next one.

**Disclaimer: Bleach is not mine (sobs uncontrollably)**

* * *

Izuru Kira 

(Izuru comes in and sits down)

"_Know your stars, stars, stars…"_

"Huh?"

"_Izuru Kira…his milkshakes brings all the boys to the yard…"_

"What? What are milkshakes…and why do only boys like them? And I don't have a yard…"

"_Oh gawd, I'm not even starting this. Izuru Kira…he wears a wig"_

"No. I'm pretty sure this is my real hair. (pulls on it) Yup…it's real."

"_Sure, I bet it's glued to your scalp or something."_

"No, you're wrong."

"_Whatever…Izuru Kira…he murders Byakuya's fangirls."_

Suddenly Byakuya appears from out of nowhere. "You know, Izuru, I need those fangirls…They shield me from idiots."

"_You know Byakuya…for someone who claims to have so much paperwork, you sure do make a lot of cameo appearances."_

"What paperwork?"

"…"

"I fear I've said too much" (recedes back into the shadows)

"……_right."_

"Um excuse me. I thought this chapter was about me." (points to self)

"_Yeah it is."_

"Are you going to continue?"

"_Yeah, I suppose…Izuru Kira…he was on Cops."_

"No I wasn't. That was Hitsugaya…"

"_Yeah, right. I can REALLY believe that."_

"I can show you if you want."

"_No, no, that's not necessary. –this guy doesn't crack easily- Anyway…Izuru Kira…he hits on Momo everytime he sees her."_

"N-no I don't…(blushes)"

"_Aw, you can't deny it…Izuru Kira…he's a kleptomaniac."_

(stuffing random things into his shihatsu) "I am not." (shifty eyes)

"_You know, I want those things back."_

"What things?"

_(rolls eyes) "Forget it. Izuru Kira…he doesn't get angry easily."_

"You know, I do believe that's the first time you've actually said something true and intended for it to be true."

"_Oh my gawd, what's come over me?! (slaps self around) Ok, now where was I? Oh, right. Izuru Kira…he was sentenced to jail for molesting all of Byakuya's underage fangirls…"_

"I did not. I have my own fangirls you know."

"_Ew, you're like a 400 year old guy macking on a bunch of 15 year olds."_

"Hey, I'm not that old. I'm only 150…and who says I molest girls?"

"_So then you molest boys?"_

"NO! I don't molest ANYBODY!"

"_Sure you don't…"_

"You're not being very polite."

"_Well, duh, that's the point! Besides, I'm not paid to be polite."_

"Well, according to Momo, you don't get paid at all."

"_Grr. Don't remind me. Izuru Kira…he sat outside Yuzu's window serenading her."_

(popping out from the shadows) Ichigo: "YOU BASTARD!!"

"Wait! Ichigo, that's a lie! She's making it up!"

"_Nope. I have photographic evidence. (holds up picture)"_

"That's it Izuru! You're going to DIE!!!!"

"AHHHH!!!! I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!!!!"

And so, Ichigo chases Izuru around for a couple of hours.

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Wow, that was a bit anti-climactic...Sorry if it's not that good, I need to get back into the swing of writing. 


	10. Ikkaku has memory issues

**OMG! School is just around the corner and I have done nothing with my month off! So I might as well update this so at least I get something in. And I think Ikkaku is fit to be my next victim, so enjoy Bleach fiends!**

**Disclaimer: Bleach is under ownership of Tite Kubo**

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Ikkaku Madarame:

(Ikkaku is brought in and placed in the chair.)

"_Know your stars, stars, stars…"_

"Yumichika?! Izzat you?"

"_eh…no."_

"Then who the –bleep- are you?!"

"_That's for me to know and for you to find out…or not…Ikkaku Madarame…he's a mama's boy."_

"What?! I didn't even know my own mother!! How can I be a mama's boy?!!"

"_You act like one…you know, like a wimp."_

(drawing sword and eye twitching) "I dare you to come down here and say that to my face."

"_Mmm, no thanks, I'm quite comfortable here."_

"Coward."

"_Say what you will…Ikkaku Madarame…before he became a shinigami, his main source of income was to sell his organs."_

(stroking stomach) "I'll miss you kidney…W-what?! (puts down shirt) I didn't sell ALL of them."

"_Well, of course you wouldn't sell all of them, you need some of those to live…idiot…_

"What did you call my mother?!!"

"_I thought you didn't have a mother…"_

"What are we talking about again?"

"_Uh…never mind. Ikkaku Mada-whatever his name is…he got arrested for sniffing panties in a lingerie store."_

"I did not! I would never do something like that!! And even if I did, I certainly wouldn't get caught! It's not manly!!!"

"…_you're not really defending yourself on this one…"_

"Defending myself from what?"

"_What? We were just talking about it!"_

"About what?!"

"_N-never mind! Ikkaku Mada-whatever…he has a stupid name."_

"Hey! My name is NOT stupid!"

"_I think 'baldy' is a better name for you…"_

(veins popping) "Why you…"

Suddenly, Yachiru pops out of the corner. "That's what I've been saying!!"

"Go away fuku-taichou!!! Just cause you're Zaraki-taichou's little pet, doesn't mean that I have to put up with you!"

"Uhh…yes it does…"

"_Can we get back to the chapter?"_

Yachiru: "Why yes, carry on!" (runs off)

"_-.-;; Anyway, Baldy…"_

"Grrrrrr…"

"…_when he was little, he used to play tea party with his teddy bears."_

"How immature! I don't even remember that far back…"

"_And 'far back' means what, like, 2 minutes?"_

"What happened 2 minutes ago?"

"_I rest my case…"_

"What?! What happened?!"

"_Baldy…"_

"Can someone please tell what's going on?"

"_He was dropped on his head as child and doesn't remember."_

"Well, no one remember that far back!! By the way, who am I?"

"_Are you serious?!?!"_

(stares blankly)

"_Uhh, Baldy?"_

(drools)

"_Ikkaku?"_

Yachiru comes back and picks up the listless Ikkaku. "You'll have to forgive him. He's suffered some pretty serious bonks on the head lately, so he's got the memory of a goldfish."

"_And how would that have happened? (noticing teeth marks on the back of Ikkaku's head)"_

"I dunno." (turns to leave) "Say, doesn't either Ichi or Byakushi show up at some point?"

"_Eh, they're probably stuck in traffic."_

"…OK!" (jumps into the shadows)

"_Well, that sucked…Oh well! Seeya next time!!"_

* * *

**Byakuya: I feel like I needed to be somewhere...**

**Ichigo: So do I...**

**Me: Idiots... **


	11. Kenpachi Zaraki's off his rocker

Whee

**YAY! School's done with! Now I have more time to do fun stuff, like update my dusty old fanfics! I think Kenpachi would make a hilarious addition to the growing number of toturees, so here goes! Disclaimer: Bleach is under ownership of Tite Kubo**

Kenpachi Zaraki:

The producers bring a large animal crate, open the door, and run away. Kenpachi steps out.

"_Know your stars, stars, stars…"_  
"Hm? Who the hell are you?"

"_Kenpachi Zaraki…he likes bunnies and kitties."_

"Yes! I do. They are so fluffy and sweet!"

"_Huh? (drops to the floor laughing) Uh, OK. Um, Kenpachi Zaraki…when he was little, he dreamt of becoming a ballerina." _

"Yeah, I did, but they kept telling me I didn't have a knack for it."

"_?? Are you serious…geez you're even more messed up than I thought."_

"Why thank you!"

"_Whatever…Kenpachi Zaraki…He has a Clay Aiken shrine in his closet."_

"(gasps) Do you have one too?! Isn't he just sooooo talented?!"

"…_Are you gay?"_

"No, but for Clay Aiken, I could be."

"_Ewwww…Why does every Bleach character have some mental disorder."_

Suddenly Ichigo starts waving his hand

Ichigo: "I don't!"

"_Shut up Ichigo! You're a mental disorder in yourself!" _

Ichigo: (slumps shoulders)

"_Hmph. Anyway…Kenpachi Zaraki…he likes to paint his nails."_

"But only after I get my pedicure."

"…_I don't know how to feel about that…(shakes head) Kenpachi Zaraki…he was a cheerleader in high school…"_

"Well, I have no idea what high school is, but I do have super-awesome cheerleading moves! Wanna see some?"

"_oo Uh, no."_

"You sure…?"

_What's the hell's wrong with you?! You're supposed to be all murderous-psychotic, but instead, you're a prissy little fag! _

"Hey! Just because I'm sensitive, like Clay Aiken, and have my nails done, doesn't mean I'm a prissy little fag…You're hurting my feelings…"

"_You're not supposed to have feelings! Gawd! Kenpachi Zaraki…he kills people."_

"Of course I kill people. Why would I not?"

"_(blinks) Are you just agreeing with whatever I say to piss me off?"_

"Of course not…I'm answering with the utmost honesty."

"_Than what's wrong with this picture?!"_

Suddenly, Yachiru appears

Yachiru: "It's just 'cause he's off his meds."

"_What?! He's…off…his meds…What is like on his meds…"_

Yachiru: "You'll see."

"_..."_

Ten minutes later….

"AHAHAHAHAA!! I can't wait to get into a fight so I can drink my opponent's blood!! (licks lips)"

"_--; …Geez, I guess this guy's off his rocker whether he's on drugs or not…"_

Yachiru: "(smiley sadistically) That's my Ken-Chan!"

"_Well, I guess, now you know Kenpachi…Stay tuned for next time."_

…**Wow, that was bad… .**


	12. Hisagi is really paranoid

**YAY**

**Well, I think it's time to update, don't you agree? I think I'll torture Shuuhei for a whiles, so here we go.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, bladda, bladda, blah…**

* * *

Shuuhei Hisagi

(Shuuhei is dragged in by the ear)

"_Know your stars, stars, stars…"_

"What? Who said that?!"

"_Shuuhei Hisagi…he cross-dresses and tells Izuru to spank him and tell him he's a naughty girl"_

"I would never lower myself to that level. (face changes) Did you hear that?"

"_Hear what?"_

"That?"

"_What?!"_

"That?! ….ugh, never mind…"

"_Um, OK…(clears throat) Shuuhei Hisagi…he eats babies for breakfast." _

"Mmmm…babies…"

"_What?!"_

"Ha, just joking. (face changes again) There's that noise again…"

"_I don't hear anything…"_

"…that's because you're not listening"

"_Are you crazy?" _

"Of course not! (twitches)"

"…_Shuuhei Hisagi…he once went to prison."_

"What?"

"…_'cause he hit a bunch of midgets in a shriner's car, while drinking…"_

"I would never!"

"_Sure you wouldn't…Midget killer."_

"I don't kill midgets! (eyes dart around) Did you see that?!"

"_See what?"_

"That wall just moved…"

"…_uh, what are you talking about."_

"I think the wall's following me."

"_Um, you haven't gone anywhere…and I'm pretty sure that wall hasn't gone anywhere…" _

"How do I know that?! How do I know you're not really the wall, and you're plotting the demise of my cat?"

_"Your what?"_

"My cat, Mr. Snuffles! You know that my weakness is my little kitty-kat, and that killing him will turn me into a ninja-pirate-zombie-robot!!"

"_A wha?"_

"And then, when you're killed my cat and turned my into a ninja-pirate-zombie-robot, you'll clone me and take over Candyland, and rule it with an iron fist!! That is your evil goal!!"

_"…You read way too many comics…and watch too many movies…""_

"No I don't! (twitches)"

"_Um, OK, Shuuhei Hisagi…"_

"How do you know my name?!"

"_Uhh…"_

"You're an alien, aren't you, coming to suck out my brains and replace them with delicious taffy!!"

_"Uh, you're delusional…"_

"It's true isn't it?! I knew it!"

"_No, it's not, and you're crazy."_

"The moose is coming!!"

_"What the hell's wrong with you?!"_

"THE WORLD IS TRYING TO KILL ME!! (curls up into a ball and rocks back and forth)(whispering) I see dead people..." (A/N: I love that line…)

_"(Speechless) …I guess you now know Shuuhei…"_

"HOW?! Shh! (whispering) What's that? (looks around) The wind…."

* * *

**Hm...not sure where that one was going...**


	13. Isane has MAJOR anger issues

**Sorry, sorry, SORRY!! It's been so long since I've even bothered updating, I just got caught up in school, and then I meant to update over the break, but I kept getting distracting :P. Anyway, here is a lourvely new chapter, fresh for you to enjoy. It's Isane's turn.**

**Disclaimer: -Usual disclaimer- **

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* * *

  
**

(The lights come on and Isane is sitting in the chair)

"_Know your stars, stars, stars…"_

"Eh?"

"_Isane Kotetsu…she doesn't have real legs"_

"Um, of course I do, how do you think I get around?"

"_You take a bus, dur!"_

"Lame…"

"_Shut-up, I'm rusty! Isane Kotetsu…She's a puppy kicker!"_

"I am not! I love puppies!"

"_Sure. You love to kick them."_

"Wah!"

"_Geez, this is even easier than I thought…Isane Kotetsu… Anyway, Isane Kotetsu, she's a crazed pyromaniac."_

"That's not true at all"

"_And she once burned down a children's hospital."_

"You lie! I've have done no such thing!"

"_Riiiight, and I can fly… Isane Kotetsu… when she was little, her favorite game was 'beat up the little kids for lunch money…'"_

"What?"

"…_And then she'd feed them to her genetically mutated goatfish!"_

"You're so mean! That was a bad period in my life…"

"_Wha?"_

"Nothing."

"_OK…Anyway, Isane Kotetsu…She's a raging alcoholic…"_

"I don't drink alcohol…"

"…_a convicted rapist…"_

"W-wait a minute…"

"…_and a goat herder!"_

"Shut up, you –bleep-!"

* * *

_Meanwhile, back a 4th division HQ…_

Unohana: (looking up) "I sense a disturbance in the force…"

Kiyone: "You felt it too, huh? Think it has something to do with Isane?"

(silence)

Unohana and Kiyone: "Naaah."

Kiyone: (walking off) "It's probably just those burritos we had for lunch."

Unohana: (shrug) "Probably."

* * *

_(blinks) "What?"_

"You -bleep- heard me! If you don't shut your -bleep- trap, I'm gonna climb up to that room of yours and kick your -bleep-bleep-!!!!!

"_H-hang on a sec, what's the matter with you?"_

"I'll tell ya what the matter is! I spent two-hundred years in –bleep- anger management!!! TWO –bleep- HUNDRED –bleep- YEARS!!!!"

"_Uh…"_

"Do you know what kind of HELL that was?! My job was going great until some –bleep- kids from the –bleep- world of the living –bleep- came along and –bleep- made my life a living hell!! I HAD TO PUT UP WITH THE –bleep- 11TH division –bleep- FOR ALMOST A MONTH! A –bleep- MONTH!!!!! YOU KNOW WHAT THOSE GUYS SMELL LIKE?! HORRIBLE, THAT'S WHAT!!!

"_H-hey, can't we talk about this?"_

"HELL NO!!! I'M THROUGH –bleep- TALKING!!!" (blasts a hole in the wall) "I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME RAWR, -bleep-!!!!!!

So Isane storms off, years of anger management down the drain, and proceeds to sink a small continent.

"_Oops…"_

_

* * *

**Well, that was fun...**  
_


End file.
